Wednesday, August 3, 2016

New Adventures!

So many things are happening around here these days.

As I mentioned in my last post, I am having gallbladder surgery.

But what I failed to mention is that shortly after that I will be starting school again! I have been putting this off for 8 years and I am SO ready to finally get this degree under my belt! So before I begin rambling on about my anxieties and aspects of this life change that scare me... Let me just say that I feel so blessed to finally have the chance to do this and having my husband's support has meant more to me than I can even begin to say.

However... I have to say that this whole college thing is very intimidating to a gal of my age. I am 26 years old and have been out of school for over 8 years. My study skills are pretty rusty these days! My only "studying" comes from Pinterest! Haha. But, here I am, going back to school full-time in a month! And this time I will also be working full-time! I feel a bit overwhelmed at the prospect of it, but I cannot help but let my heart hope that this will be a lucrative move for me and my honey down the road.

I know that I am capable and I will be grateful once I have studied, typed, researched, outlined and probably stressed my way to this degree. I know the hard work will pay off. It's just a bit scary to look into the future and see the long, difficult road ahead. But, guys, I got this!

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

The End of the Road.....

I'd like to dedicate this song to someone who has been by my side (in my side?) for my entire life..... 

My gallbladder.....
Today I learned that you are full of stones and have to (surgically) leave my side after a great 26 year run together (admittedly we didn't do much running). You were such a faithful little organ.... always carrying around bile and stuff... I know we didn't always agree on things like hamburgers and ice cream and I know the 3 years I worked at a fast-food Mexican restaurant were full of grease and discomfort for both of us, but you were mine and I loved you. 

It is a shame you have decided to go rogue on me, Old Friend. You have spent the last few months making me sick almost every day. I could have never imagined you'd get so salty and do me like this. You're not the organ I once knew. The time has come to schedule our separation. I am sorry it must come to this.
Goodbye little gallbladder, goodbye.

I mean, gotta make light of it, right!? Ha. 

Friday, July 1, 2016

What I Did During My 2 Year Vacation from Blogging

I know, I have some explaining to do.

It's not that I forgot about my blog or my followers. It's not that we haven't done any noteworthy projects or made any delicious foods lately. It certainly isn't that there haven't been interesting developments or noteworthy happenings. I've just been very overwhelmed with this specific season of our life and I haven't had the words.

I'm going to try to make this as brief as I can while still giving the honesty it requires.

Infertility is the worst. 

My last post was written as we were starting our journey with our new Reproductive Endocrinologist. In the past 2 years we've tried pill after pill, injection after injection, failed procedure after failed procedure... It's been emotionally, physically and financially taxing and I don't think it's unfair to say it has been a huge strain on both of us.

I guess I was born a perpetual optimist. Despite all of the things I've dealt with in my life, I've always believed that with a good attitude comes favorable outcomes - Good people get happy endings. But I think I have reached a point in my life where I am reevaluating that. And maybe that's just a part of growing up.

You see, no matter how good I try to be or how many nice things I say or do... I can't seem to get out from under this storm cloud. I just can't get pregnant. I haven't wanted to believe this or say it out loud and I haven't wanted to admit it to my husband or hear it from my doctor or explain it to the relatives who ask about our plans to start a family. And I guess I didn't want to blog about it either. But here's the reality - We've tried so many things and nothing is working. We've spent 4 years and thousands of dollars. We've prayed endless prayers and cried countless tears and let ourselves hope and believe, only to end each and every cycle with a negative result.

So this was never in the handbook. I'd never considered an alternative to the basic game plan... You know, fall in love, get married, create a home, have a baby.... I have no way to know how to navigate this new reality and I'm heartbroken and scared and sad. How do you even begin to come to terms with the possibility of never having something you've spent your whole life dreaming of?

I'm not sure.

But I do know that I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. We're taking a break for the summer and trying to spend time together and love on one another as much as we can. This process has broken down many a marriage and we refuse to be a statistic. We plan to come out of infertility stronger than ever. Whether that means we have a child or not, we'll have each other.

In the meantime, my goal is to share more. There is so much to share and I hope that it can bring hope to others. At the very least, if we do end up on the other side of this with a sweet baby of our own, I hope to look back on these days and feel pride for all we've overcome. I hope someday I'm reading this blog post while my baby sleeps in my arms and I say a silent prayer of thanks to God because I have finally had my prayers answered.