Goodbye TBC!

After 4, almost 5 years at the Telephone Banking Center, I'm finally moving on to a better job within my bank.  It's bittersweet though because I've met some really incredible people & had some really great experiences. The prospect of leaving has been quite a rollercoaster of emotions... From excitement & gratitude to sadness & nostalgia - It's been an interesting few weeks.

Goodbyes are always hard. This felt a bit like high school graduation. I'm ready to move on, I know what awaits  is going to be better than what I'm leaving behind... but there's still a finality & a sadness to leaving behind what's familiar.

Yesterday I walked into work to find my desk decorated by my boss & a few of my teammates. There were balloons & even zebra-print streamers! It made me all teary-eyed. Apparently, they'd spent the night before working on decorating after I left at 5. Quite a fun surprise to walk into.

 

There was plenty of hugging, plenty of reminiscing, well-wishes & congratulations. I found myself thinking back to when I began my journey at the bank & remembering how grateful I was for the kindness of my coworkers. They've been such a blessing to me & I have been enriched by knowing them.

Did I mention there was cake? My boss bought Chocolate-Peanut Butter Cake. It was divine! I'm pretty sure it was the best "Goodbye-Cake" in all the world. :-) It's also pretty photogenic. See for yourself --

Monday is Labor Day so I will start my new position in my new center on Tuesday. I'm equal parts excited & nervous. I've been waiting for a few years now to finds a position that'll better suit me, offer me more opportunities & give me the chance to gain experience. This is definitely what I've been waiting for. I'm so grateful that I've been given this chance. I know I'll meet new, amazing people. Plus, this new center is only 20 minutes from my job so it beats the heck out of my current commute (1 hour... On a good day, in good weather...) This is definitely going to be a blessing for me. I can't wait to start! 

The Mother of All Guilt-Trips

There are a lot of awful, uneducated things that we say to each other under the guise of "giving advice" or "sharing an opinion." They're well-intentioned most of the time, I suppose, but it's still very possible to be hurt by a comment someone didn't "mean that way." 

One such comment I received on Mother's Day this year. A friend whose mother passed away scolded me for not calling my mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. She said, & I quote "You don't know what I'd give to wish MY mother a Happy Mother's Day."

This is a terrible thing to say for many reasons.

First off - Thanks for the guilt trip, friend. 

But just some background - I've been abused, neglected & hurt by my mother my entire life. I've tried SO many times over the years to fix our relationship. My pride has been swallowed, my heart worn on my sleeve & for years I've tried to earn my mother's approval & affection. There have been so many heartbroken tears cried over my mom. So many nights spent longing for a mother I've never had. My mom is not a loveable woman & she will never show me the compassion I need from her. She does not have my best interest at heart. She does not want to be a part of my life. This has taken me years to realize & accept & still, I struggle with the the fact that my idealized version of a mother-daughter relationship will never exist. 

Years, I've spent, calling, sending cards, praying to God that she'd decide I was worthy of her time, her love. My mother is only interested in me when she has something to gain from it. This realization has often made me wonder what is wrong with me. What is so bad that my own mother doesn't love me? Her neglect has made me insecure & created an intense, never-ending, self-deprecating inner dialect. Basically, she throws me scraps of affection to keep me in the palm of her hand, I eat it up, she walks away when I've served her purpose & I spend weeks hating myself for letting her in, feeling guilty for hating her & hating myself for being so unlovable. It's an unhealthy cycle that has consumed me for years.

Finally cutting ties with my mother has not been easy. I've felt so much guilt & sadness. I've mourned for a relationship that will never be. It's been difficult, but it has been healthy for me. Ending the cycle & escaping from the constant misery has given me insight I hadn't anticipated. I now see that I am worthy of love & SHE is the one missing out.

To my well-intentioned friend: I'm sorry you lost your loving, dedicated, faithful mother. My mother, unfortunately, is not that way. I wish that you could have had more fun, memorable moments with your parent. I know you long for her love, for her advice, for her gentle encouragement. I long for those things too. But, like your mother, my mom cannot give them to me, although she may be very much alive. I've struggled with guilt my entire life & I will not feel guilty about a decision that has been healthy for me. I hope you understand that while having YOUR mom in your life may have been a blessing, my mother hurts me & makes me unhealthy. Maintaining a relationship with her is not what is best for me. You were lucky to have had, even briefly, a mother worth missing. So, this Mother's Day & every Mother' Day I will recognize the women who have been confidants & loving role-models. I will NOT recognize a woman who has failed in her obligations of motherhood. 

To those of you with parents who have chosen not to be part of your life: Know that you are lovable. You are worthy. You are deserving of compassion. Do not measure yourself by your parent's affection. Know that they are missing out on all that you are & all you will become. You will be able to look at yourself in the mirror & say "I am who I am thanks to nobody but me." Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for cutting ties with someone who hurts you. You have the right to eliminate people who hurt you, hinder you or cause you to be unhealthy. 

Stay strong! xoxo