Saturday, August 31, 2013

For the Baby I Never Knew

I'm feeling sad today. It's been like this on & off since the miscarriage but today I'm having a hard time. Andrew & I have discussed when to start trying for another baby. We're both ready to be parents but I now have such fear when it comes to pregnancy & I'm concerned I'll spend each day of those 9 months worrying. I feel so much like a failure already. Not only has it been super difficult for me to get pregnant, but I wasn't even able to STAY pregnant once I was. I know it isn't technically my fault but I'm coping with so many feelings of inadequacy right now.

Also, there's this residual sadness about the baby we lost. It's not an overwhelming sadness... More of a pang or almost soreness in my heart sometimes. I know I wasn't TOO far along but I still wonder about that sweet little life I carried for a few short weeks. I wonder whether it was a little boy or a little girl. I wonder what color their eyes would have been or how their little giggle would have sounded. There's so many unfamiliar longings I'm experiencing for this child I never even knew & it makes me feel so confused. This process has been full of strange emotions.

I did write a poem a few days after I lost our baby that I've been wanting to share. This loss has just felt so personal & I've been scared to share those feelings. It's strange but I've felt almost embarrassed about this. I've wanted to appear strong & indifferent. I've felt like my sadness about it makes me seem weak or crazy or over emotional. But I think that's the true tragedy of losing a baby in pregnancy... You're expected to just get over it. You're expected to take it as a sign that you're fertile & capable of getting pregnant. You're reminded lots of women go on to have healthy pregnancies & babies so you can too. People say things that are more confusing & hurtful than helpful but you just smile & thank them because you understand that they're struggling to comfort you. Everyone wants to say that THING that will make it all better. They want to be the person who said the phrase that got you through. But sometimes you don't need a clever phrase or comforting words. Sometimes you just need them to say nothing but "I'm sorry. This seriously fucking sucks" & nothing more.

Anyway, without further ado....

To our sweet angel baby,

I'll never see your smile
Or kiss your tiny cheek
Or gaze at your sweet face
While I rock you to sleep

I'll never know for sure
Whether you look like mom or dad
& tears fill up my eyes
For moments we'll never have

Your life remains a mystery
Answers I'll never know
An angel taken to heaven
Where all sweet angels go

You'll never get to grow up
Your dreams I'll never see
My heart breaks everyday
Wondering who you'd be

A love that feels so deep
Although we've never met
A bond that can't be broken
By moments never spent

Someday I know I'll hold you
Home, at heaven's gate
& gaze upon the face
That was always worth the wait

You brought us joy so deeply
Then so quickly you were gone
Although I couldn't give you life
In me you'll always live on.

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