I know, I have some explaining to do.
It's not that I forgot about my blog or my followers. It's not that we haven't done any noteworthy projects or made any delicious foods lately. It certainly isn't that there haven't been interesting developments or noteworthy happenings. I've just been very overwhelmed with this specific season of our life and I haven't had the words.
I'm going to try to make this as brief as I can while still giving the honesty it requires.
Infertility is the worst.
My last post was written as we were starting our journey with our new Reproductive Endocrinologist. In the past 2 years we've tried pill after pill, injection after injection, failed procedure after failed procedure... It's been emotionally, physically and financially taxing and I don't think it's unfair to say it has been a huge strain on both of us.
I guess I was born a perpetual optimist. Despite all of the things I've dealt with in my life, I've always believed that with a good attitude comes favorable outcomes - Good people get happy endings. But I think I have reached a point in my life where I am reevaluating that. And maybe that's just a part of growing up.
You see, no matter how good I try to be or how many nice things I say or do... I can't seem to get out from under this storm cloud. I just can't get pregnant. I haven't wanted to believe this or say it out loud and I haven't wanted to admit it to my husband or hear it from my doctor or explain it to the relatives who ask about our plans to start a family. And I guess I didn't want to blog about it either. But here's the reality - We've tried so many things and nothing is working. We've spent 4 years and thousands of dollars. We've prayed endless prayers and cried countless tears and let ourselves hope and believe, only to end each and every cycle with a negative result.
So this was never in the handbook. I'd never considered an alternative to the basic game plan... You know, fall in love, get married, create a home, have a baby.... I have no way to know how to navigate this new reality and I'm heartbroken and scared and sad. How do you even begin to come to terms with the possibility of never having something you've spent your whole life dreaming of?
I'm not sure.
But I do know that I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. We're taking a break for the summer and trying to spend time together and love on one another as much as we can. This process has broken down many a marriage and we refuse to be a statistic. We plan to come out of infertility stronger than ever. Whether that means we have a child or not, we'll have each other.
In the meantime, my goal is to share more. There is so much to share and I hope that it can bring hope to others. At the very least, if we do end up on the other side of this with a sweet baby of our own, I hope to look back on these days and feel pride for all we've overcome. I hope someday I'm reading this blog post while my baby sleeps in my arms and I say a silent prayer of thanks to God because I have finally had my prayers answered.