Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Valentine's Day.... Or not.

I'm so disappointed right now and I'm going to try as hard as I possibly can to not sound whiny and bratty. If I do, I'm sorry. It is what it is.

My husband is in Watertown, as I mentioned in an earlier post. His job has been sending him out there for week-long intervals almost every week since we got back from our honeymoon. It has REALLY sucked. Every week he is promised that it's the last week of the job. Every Thursday night he comes home announcing he's going back the following week. So, anyway. He's out there this week. It has sucked. It's been a long week starting with another, very disappointing BFN on Sunday. I'm emotional. I'm lonely and I just miss him SO much. What's kept me semi-optimistic was the plans I had for Valentine's Day (which is TOMORROW.) -- I'm sure you can already see where this is going....

A few weeks ago I put in for some vacation time for tomorrow because with it being our first Valentine's Day as Mr & Mrs, I wanted it to be special! Andrew always comes home around 5pm on Thursdays so I planned on leaving work at 2, making a lovely dinner with candlelight and chocolate covered strawberries... champagne... I planned out the whole "Mission Impossible" Valentine's Day scavenger hunt I mentioned in an earlier post...

Then tonight he calls me to tell me his boss is making him stay out of town until Friday evening.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY!? I'm so disappointed.

I love my husband and I want him here with me SO badly... Not just tomorrow, but every single day. He's my best friend, my partner. I love sharing the days and nights with him, talking, laughing, sleeping beside him... I feel like the past few months have just cheated me out of so many days and nights. When he's gone talking on a phone isn't really an option. This is SUPER frustrating since we're so used to talking pretty much from start of day to finish. I feel like we're both missing out on each other and it's lousy. I know there are couples who are apart for months or even years at a time. That's awful and I don't know how they manage it. Distance is the worst.

I just wish I had my partner with me full time to take on everything from finances to family. Instead I feel like I'm taking so much on my own shoulders. The house is a mess because I literally just do not have it in me to do dishes or clean. I'm whipped.

Sitting around, alone in my house for the vast majority of the day/night tomorrow on Valentine's Day rather than having a romantic dinner/night with my husband, just adds insult to injury. I'm trying to be optimistic. To keep positive.... But I'm just sad.

Also, I know I haven't touched too much on our fertility struggles, but that is just a whole different ball game. For the first time ever I TRULY thought I was pregnant this month. I just... I honestly thought this was it. And, well. Not so much. I'm frustrated. I'm feeling like a failure. I've prayed myself to tears about this, just hoping it would happen. I guess this has always been my biggest fear. Having kids means so much to my husband & I. The thought of that never happening just breaks my heart. That's the understatement of the century, actually. It's looking like it's going to be a long, expensive struggle.

I ordered FertiliTea and I'm going to give that a try for a few cycles. I'm doubtful this will work... But I'm willing to try it. I've read mixed reviews. I'm just reluctant to move right to medicine when shit doesn't work. My doctor told me that's probably our best bet. I just.... I don't know. I'm in denial, maybe.

*sigh* In the meantime, I'll spend my Valentine's Day alone with chocolate and wine while blowing my diet, in my messy house.

I'm sorry for the negativity. Just needed to vent it out. I'm sure it will all be better soon.

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