Sunday, August 17, 2014

Hard Lessons

It's been awhile but I've finally got the motivation to write. It isn't that there hasn't been blogable moments the past 4 months. It's been chock-full of blessings, realizations, projects, improvements, disappointments & experiences. Sometimes the words are easy & flow effortlessly making it natural & easy for me to blog about it. Sometimes all I can do is observe & process inside my head, making it harder to share. Either way, I will save you the recap of the past few months & just say that going forward I hope to have plenty to share but if not, I am sure there will continue to be times when the posts are few & far between. Feast or famine, as they say. 

I've signed on today to write about patience.

It seems this has been my lesson, which I have fought against learning, for some time now. The amazing, nearly 2 years of marriage I've enjoyed have been so full of  lessons. I've learned that career success can be twice as rewarding when it is shared with my teammate & partner. I've learned that recipes that have been passed down generations of family always taste the sweetest. I've realized that having a slightly disorganized house doesn't make me a bad wife. Neither does burning the cupcakes. I've learned that cheap champagne & candles at home can be even more romantic than a fancy dinner out. 

But most importantly, I've learned that I do not have to "have it together" at every single moment of my existence -- something I have tried my entire life to do. 

It's okay to not know your next move sometimes. It's okay to admit that you're unsure. It's okay to throw your hands up & say "I don't know." I, the one with the plan, the one with blueprints to even the most mundane of life moments have learned that I am not always in control. The timing will not always be my own, no matter how detailed the plan I have made. Life has a way of showing us who is boss, doesn't it? Reality check: I am NOT in control of much. 

Buying a house, having a baby, going on a dream vacation, buying a new car -- These are all wonderful goals. But I cannot punish myself for the setbacks. I cannot get discouraged at the time it takes to reach these milestones. & most importantly, I cannot chastise myself for not reaching these goals at the same time my peers, my loved ones or my Facebook friends are reaching them. 

God's timing is perfect. His plans may differ from mine & that is okay because I MUST trust that he knows what is best for me. I am grateful for the beautiful years that my husband & I have had together. There is no new house, no new car, no bouncing baby Breen & the farthest we've ventured from home is my in-law's house. But we have spent hours dreaming together while looking at houses online or on Pinterest. My husband's diligence to maintaining my not-so-new car's repairs warms my heart & I smile at the way he shows me his concern & care by making sure my car can take me safely where I need to go. We've bonded over researching infertility clinics & cried many tears together over a family we have dreamed of having for so long. 

All these "inconveniences," set-backs or disappointments have made us stronger. It has shown me sides of my husband I did not know existed. It has allowed me to be vulnerable & depend on this wonderful man's strength to get me through. We have had the opportunity to open our hearts & minds to things we didn't know we could. For this knowledge, I am thankful. For these experiences, I am blessed. 

Sometimes the most valuable lessons are taught waiting for the answers. This is my ultimate test. 

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