A few hours after I wrote that last blog post, my husband and I went to bed. I'd been feeling kind of sick all day, but I assumed it was a combo of morning sickness + the uncomfortable pregnancy side effect, constipation causing me cramps. I fell asleep & around midnight I was awoken with excruciating cramps. I went to the bathroom where I found I was bleeding. Not a little, no. I woke my husband up & we spent the next few hours looking up my symptoms on Google. We found a few articles that mentioned bleeding & cramping, but then went on to have healthy babies. We clung to that hope as we laid our worried heads down. I fell asleep for what seemed like only minutes, but was in fact another hour, when I woke again to that sharp, insistent cramping. Again, I went to the bathroom. The bleeding was getting worse, heavier. Still in denial, I tried to go back to bed. The cramps started coming every 1/2 an hour. Then every 10 minutes. By morning, the cramps were about 1 minute apart. The heavy bleeding came with blood clots. I was in tears, crying with each stabbing pain. I was terrified & at this point unable to hold onto that hope that this was going to end with a healthy baby. As soon as the morning light was shining through the windows, I called my doctor. He sent me for an ultrasound which revealed our biggest fear... The baby was gone.
I don't know how we made it out of that office. I don't know. It was so overwhelming how quickly our baby bliss turned into devastation. I had pictured our little one in my head so many times by that point -- a perfect, beautiful mix of my husband & I. 10 tiny fingers, 10 tiny toes, lots of brown curly hair... I could hardly wait the 7 months until I could hold him or her. I dreamt of the moment. & it was all taken away. No warning, no good reason. Just "the way nature works sometimes."
This past month has been difficult. Lots of unsurety. Lots of unanswered questions. Lots of angry, heartbroken prayers. I know God has our sweet, sweet baby in his arms. I know someday, I will hold our little one, gaze upon their face. But right now, I feel empty. I feel like a failure. I feel guilty for losing my husband's child, although he's never, ever made me feel this way, it just naturally happened. I've watched his pain, his disappointment & I can't help but feel that I caused this. This is my fault. Rationally, I know this probably isn't the case. I know the doctor may be right & there may have just been a chromosomal abnormality but shaking this feeling is difficult.
I'm scared to start trying again. Scared to deal with this again... Scared to get so attached to the idea of this life inside me, only to watch it die. I just want to bring a healthy baby into this world. I just want to make my husband the father he deserves to be. I just want to be a mother.
My miscarriage is so much a part of me right now. It's always in the back of my mind. In the still of the night it's all I think of. I find it difficult to be around mothers & babies & pregnant women which makes me feel selfish & angry at myself. But I know with time, this pain will ease & I'll find joy in the idea of motherhood.
We will have a healthy baby someday. We will. I have to hold onto this hope.